Whose voice is it ringing me in my head, telling me to change ways? I should be only one person right? Why does it feel like there is someone talking to me? I guess that is an issue in itself but this is what it told me:
It asked me very clearly why am I not the very best I can be. And please reader, know I am not talking about physical and mental abilities or skills. But simply as the way I carry myself as a human being. "You are ridiculous" it scoffed, "absolutely ridiculous." "How can you think your a somebody? And why do you carry yourself like that? What makes you important at all? And why does that even matter to you?" And then the voice charged me like a team of wild horses:
"How dare you hold a perception of someone!
How dare you not love as eternally as humanly possible!
How dare you not live as best as humanly possible!
How dare you not be impeccable with your word and pursue honesty to its fullest extent!
How dare you think anything you have done in the past or plan to do with the future has any significance as to who you are as a human being!"
It is hard to say what it all comes down to, Why do I act the way I do instead of live the way I should? Is everything I do only a struggle to maintain a facade, created to fulfill my self-proclaimed, socially influenced projection of "who I am." Oh god! Now I am starting to wonder, if I am writing this well, I am going to send it to you right? So that means I am still just feeding my facade... Of course I have an excuse, I always do. Although I know what I am doing is wrong, it isn't hard to justify my actions and keep myself safe from the onslaught of self-reflection. I know I have no way to apologize to the world for everything I have done all of the years. All I can do is immediately and absolutely change my ways. But then I wonder how deep does the addiction run? Can I even do it? It seems simple really, all I have to do is STOP. But do I have the courage to let down the shield? And let myself stand naked...
...as nothing but a human being.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Freedom
I am currently reading this book called "Shantaram" by Gregory David Roberts, the first paragraph of this book blew me away and I think that it is worth thinking about.
"It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what I know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instance, while I was chained to the wall and being tortured. I realized, somehow, through the screaming in my mind, that even in that shackled, bloody, helplessness, I was still free: free to hate the men who were torturing me, or to forgive them. It does not sound like much, I know. But in the flinch and bite of the chain, when it's all you've got, that freedom is a universe of possibility. And the choice you make, between hating and forgiving, can become the story of your life."
-Gregory David Roberts
As I start to think about my life and the new chapters that will come, I think that the ultimate choice that I have is simply, Freedom. What will you do with it?
"It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what I know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instance, while I was chained to the wall and being tortured. I realized, somehow, through the screaming in my mind, that even in that shackled, bloody, helplessness, I was still free: free to hate the men who were torturing me, or to forgive them. It does not sound like much, I know. But in the flinch and bite of the chain, when it's all you've got, that freedom is a universe of possibility. And the choice you make, between hating and forgiving, can become the story of your life."
-Gregory David Roberts
As I start to think about my life and the new chapters that will come, I think that the ultimate choice that I have is simply, Freedom. What will you do with it?
The Fight
I wrote this ryhme a little bit ago but now it makes more sense to me now so....
When the validity of the theory of relativity is in question
look around yourself , come find me and take my suggestion
and listen carefully to these next couple of words
cause the prophecy is here and here are the passwords
to the questions in our minds, and the unanswered signs,
that we see around us & be beginning to discuss
we can move ahead, instead of wearin' shoes made of lead
we can start to run without a thread or any strings attached
forgetting the times when we were attacked
and make a pact,
that binds u, that reminds us, that rewinds us
to a place of bliss that we miss and reminisce
but dont have to dismiss the idea of togetherness
and i gotta confess, the mess that we are in will not just vanish,
the future will unfold as we act and we wish.
To begin we gotta open our minds to each other,
give love to your sister and your brother,
only together can we stand a chance,
then we can enhance this dance and
begin to advance to our final stance
that will either be remembered forever
or become a useless endeavor
but that doesnt really matter to me
cause the fight to get there will set me free...
When the validity of the theory of relativity is in question
look around yourself , come find me and take my suggestion
and listen carefully to these next couple of words
cause the prophecy is here and here are the passwords
to the questions in our minds, and the unanswered signs,
that we see around us & be beginning to discuss
we can move ahead, instead of wearin' shoes made of lead
we can start to run without a thread or any strings attached
forgetting the times when we were attacked
and make a pact,
that binds u, that reminds us, that rewinds us
to a place of bliss that we miss and reminisce
but dont have to dismiss the idea of togetherness
and i gotta confess, the mess that we are in will not just vanish,
the future will unfold as we act and we wish.
To begin we gotta open our minds to each other,
give love to your sister and your brother,
only together can we stand a chance,
then we can enhance this dance and
begin to advance to our final stance
that will either be remembered forever
or become a useless endeavor
but that doesnt really matter to me
cause the fight to get there will set me free...
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Life on Earth
Sometimes we forget the wonder of Life,
The stunning harmony of the Universe,
We Fall into the Chasm,
lost in our strife.
Every moment is as great as the next.
For every second since our birth
we have been blessed with life on earth.
They why categorize our moments
into pleasure and pain?
We are part of something greater,
Isn't that a fact?
Everything we do in some way comes back,
The great web of nature does not leave us out,
And indeed that is worth a shout!
We celebrate our birth but that is not enough
What do we get from the presents and stuff?
Why not just celebrate the wonder of life?
The love the laughs and even the strife,
INDEED
Every breath deserves to be celebrated
and every life deserves to be lived.
The stunning harmony of the Universe,
We Fall into the Chasm,
lost in our strife.
Every moment is as great as the next.
For every second since our birth
we have been blessed with life on earth.
They why categorize our moments
into pleasure and pain?
We are part of something greater,
Isn't that a fact?
Everything we do in some way comes back,
The great web of nature does not leave us out,
And indeed that is worth a shout!
We celebrate our birth but that is not enough
What do we get from the presents and stuff?
Why not just celebrate the wonder of life?
The love the laughs and even the strife,
INDEED
Every breath deserves to be celebrated
and every life deserves to be lived.
Monday, February 9, 2009
命
The Chinese cobblestone road would not let me sleep. I had driven it before and still had memories of the winding ruggedness. Just left of the road, large mountains ran miles north and to the right, the ground fell away into the village filled valleys. My driver He shifu and I exchanged words and I struggled to understand his local accent. He was of a local ethnic minority and had been working as a driver for 20 plus years. This particular night, he was driving me two and a half hours through the Tibetan foothills to a small town at the edge of the Jinsha River. We were still only a small distance out and I was already feeling the beat down from my long journey. I struggled to hold conversation in an attempt to keep us both awake but quickly found my head bobbing. With each pothole, terrified, I would jump out of my seat as if to somehow stop an imminent accident. The excitement of the journey was quickly fading and I could feel uneasiness close.
It was in that moment of moment of anxiousness, that a feeling of loneliness overcame me. But the “remedy” to ease my mind “luckily” came quickly. The familiar thoughts friends and family and telling them how epic of a journey I had gone on began to comfort me. And for a moment, I didn’t feel so lonely. I knew however, that it was only temporary relief. These familiar thoughts could only comfort me for so long, before I would quickly be overwhelmed by the situation. But something unexpected happened. The crappy Chinese service road, He Shifu and his interpretable accent, the desolate roadside, the old fashion three-wheeled cars and everything else somehow sucked me in to reality. No longer did I feel like a lonely bystander observing the situation from afar. I felt part of this crazy midnight Chinese scene. No longer did I feel estranged and removed but engaged and full of life. At least for that precious moment, I was no longer living for some distant, intangible future but was living for a very different reason. All that there really was/is, the moment at hand.
It was in that moment of moment of anxiousness, that a feeling of loneliness overcame me. But the “remedy” to ease my mind “luckily” came quickly. The familiar thoughts friends and family and telling them how epic of a journey I had gone on began to comfort me. And for a moment, I didn’t feel so lonely. I knew however, that it was only temporary relief. These familiar thoughts could only comfort me for so long, before I would quickly be overwhelmed by the situation. But something unexpected happened. The crappy Chinese service road, He Shifu and his interpretable accent, the desolate roadside, the old fashion three-wheeled cars and everything else somehow sucked me in to reality. No longer did I feel like a lonely bystander observing the situation from afar. I felt part of this crazy midnight Chinese scene. No longer did I feel estranged and removed but engaged and full of life. At least for that precious moment, I was no longer living for some distant, intangible future but was living for a very different reason. All that there really was/is, the moment at hand.
A Troubled Mind
Whose mind is troubled? Well, what walks on four legs, in the morning, two in the afternoon and three at night?
The Human Mind. The only thing that differs is our reaction to the pain in our lives. We really are not all so different, same earth, same species and all caught in the human experience, and I do not think there is any escaping that until the eagle finally takes us into his beak. Does anyone who is reading this feel themselves absolutely at home? Absolutely free? Or free one day and in chains the next? Who has felt their soul tortured simply on the whim of that oh so tyrannical mind? I know I am not absolutely free, I know I hold myself in bondage and yes, I do occasionally raise the whip. And yes my soul writhes in pain when that happens (why wouldn't it?). If you answered yes to any but the first question count yourself lucky because the first step on the path of freedom is to realize that their indeed chains around our ankles. And that our lives are not all they can be.
In Zen Buddhism they talk about the concept of non-attachment. To me it makes sense, I made those chains around my ankles, (and my soul and mind) by chaining myself to what more or less can be described as an idea of a permanent reality. The choice is attachment, or freedom; attachment seems to be where a lot of pain comes from. Attachments (if my experience of being alive is remotely like yours) are everywhere. Attachment to our perception of reality. Attachment to the things in our lives. Attachment to our perceptions of ourselves. Attachment to events in the past. Attachment to our dreams. So many attachments I sometimes forget to just live my life and let time unfold as it will. But if you want to know what hurts the most, it is when I am feeling bad because of some attachment that isn't going my way and then I become attached to the way I am feeling. Why me? My life sucks. Why do I have to feel like this? What I am coming to see now is: I am feeling this way because I am feeling this way. It is just an emotion (I say that with a grain of salt) my brain acting a certain way at a certain time and in actuality it is not me, but just an experience I am having in that particular moment. In turn it makes sense to enjoy that feeling because who knows? In the next moment I may not have the pleasure of feeling it.
Some final words of wisdom (or at least I think they are).
"You do not even start to consider the truth until everything is possible"
Adyashanti
"What is reality? Is it what you can touch and feel? If so all reality is is a series of chemical responses in your brain" -Morpheus
"If the solution hasn't been to look at yourself, how do you expect to find it anywhere else?"
-Immortal Technique
Pertinent Reading:
Zen Mind Beginner's Mind by Shunryu Suzuki
Or you can just watch the Matrix...
The Human Mind. The only thing that differs is our reaction to the pain in our lives. We really are not all so different, same earth, same species and all caught in the human experience, and I do not think there is any escaping that until the eagle finally takes us into his beak. Does anyone who is reading this feel themselves absolutely at home? Absolutely free? Or free one day and in chains the next? Who has felt their soul tortured simply on the whim of that oh so tyrannical mind? I know I am not absolutely free, I know I hold myself in bondage and yes, I do occasionally raise the whip. And yes my soul writhes in pain when that happens (why wouldn't it?). If you answered yes to any but the first question count yourself lucky because the first step on the path of freedom is to realize that their indeed chains around our ankles. And that our lives are not all they can be.
In Zen Buddhism they talk about the concept of non-attachment. To me it makes sense, I made those chains around my ankles, (and my soul and mind) by chaining myself to what more or less can be described as an idea of a permanent reality. The choice is attachment, or freedom; attachment seems to be where a lot of pain comes from. Attachments (if my experience of being alive is remotely like yours) are everywhere. Attachment to our perception of reality. Attachment to the things in our lives. Attachment to our perceptions of ourselves. Attachment to events in the past. Attachment to our dreams. So many attachments I sometimes forget to just live my life and let time unfold as it will. But if you want to know what hurts the most, it is when I am feeling bad because of some attachment that isn't going my way and then I become attached to the way I am feeling. Why me? My life sucks. Why do I have to feel like this? What I am coming to see now is: I am feeling this way because I am feeling this way. It is just an emotion (I say that with a grain of salt) my brain acting a certain way at a certain time and in actuality it is not me, but just an experience I am having in that particular moment. In turn it makes sense to enjoy that feeling because who knows? In the next moment I may not have the pleasure of feeling it.
Some final words of wisdom (or at least I think they are).
"You do not even start to consider the truth until everything is possible"
Adyashanti
"What is reality? Is it what you can touch and feel? If so all reality is is a series of chemical responses in your brain" -Morpheus
"If the solution hasn't been to look at yourself, how do you expect to find it anywhere else?"
-Immortal Technique
Pertinent Reading:
Zen Mind Beginner's Mind by Shunryu Suzuki
Or you can just watch the Matrix...
Sunday, February 8, 2009
And Into the Mind Altering Uncomfort-Zone
"It pains me to say this, but pain is what made us" (1). Man, unlike other creatures has the ability to adapt, as opposed to just being able to evolve. If it is colder than our skin can buffer us against on its own, we put on clothes. But, we would never put on clothes unless we had a pressing reason to do so. This too seems like how it works in the mind. It is not until we have experiences outside the scope of our everyday experience that our mind grows. And with it our ability to live with the world.
As don Juan recommends we use the challenges and pain in our lives to push ourselves to impeccability in the way that we live. When faced with challenge we are forced to reach to the extremes of our ability and in essence become stronger human beings. Then, the mental place we were forced into in that particular situation can be translated into our everyday perception.
We have the ability to step outside of our comfort zone. More or less it is a choice we have to make. Am I going to explore the experience of being alive by pushing myself to the boundaries of my own existence, or would I rather push those experiences away and bury those feelings? Eventually we won't have the choice, each and every one of us will confront death and be forced to confront our life (or lack thereof). So instead of staying within my bubble of comfort and perception I strive to accpet the unknown into my life and realize death is always on my right ready to strike.
Go fast, then tele turn.
As don Juan recommends we use the challenges and pain in our lives to push ourselves to impeccability in the way that we live. When faced with challenge we are forced to reach to the extremes of our ability and in essence become stronger human beings. Then, the mental place we were forced into in that particular situation can be translated into our everyday perception.
We have the ability to step outside of our comfort zone. More or less it is a choice we have to make. Am I going to explore the experience of being alive by pushing myself to the boundaries of my own existence, or would I rather push those experiences away and bury those feelings? Eventually we won't have the choice, each and every one of us will confront death and be forced to confront our life (or lack thereof). So instead of staying within my bubble of comfort and perception I strive to accpet the unknown into my life and realize death is always on my right ready to strike.
Go fast, then tele turn.
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