The Churning of the Ocean
During the samudra manthan (the churning of the ocean) by the Gods and demons, haalaa-hala, a poison, came out of the ocean. It was so toxic, it could have wiped out the entire creation. At this juncture, on the advice of Lord Vishnu , the gods approached Lord Shiva and prayed to him to protect their lives by consuming this poison. Pleased with their prayers, and out of compassion for living beings,Lord Shiva drank the poison but it was so intense that something was required to cool its effects as his throat became blue. Help was taken from Chandra( Moon God ) and finally a snake was placed around his neck which cooled the effect of the poison and the throat became blue.Thus Lord Shiva is also known as Neelakantha.
Shiva is considered the Adi (first) Guru from whom the yogic tradition originates. According to tradition, the planetary positions on this night are such that there is a powerful natural upsurge of energy in the human system. It is said to be beneficial for one's physical and spiritual well being to stay awake and aware throughout the night. On this day, artists from various fields such as music and dance perform the whole night.
The date for Shivaratri in 2009 was 23 February.
Incidentally, I couldnt sleep that night. After wrestling around my bed with my pillow and my sheets for hours, I stayed up till the sun rose and I wrote and I wrote. I couldnt understand what it was. Then I did what I usually do when I am confused, I just shut my mind off and just observed my thoughts. Some thoughts floated by with a little bit of a push by my uncertainty. But then some really strange stuff started happening. I had so much energy being channeled into my mind that I couldnt understand what I was supposed to do. All the different types of thoughts started coming into mind. thoughts of violence,anger, frustration, love,happiness to name a few.And then suddenly when I got to the thoughts of love everything stopped again. As if it was a sign. Saying "hey look! here is what you can focus on.love."
I told myself that I was slowly becoming insane and thinking up of these crazy ideas. I went to bed for the rest of the morning. When I woke up and looked into a mirror I saw something strange. I saw an imprint of the bedsheet that made a distinct heart on my face.
The next Shivratri is in 2010 on February 12th.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
All I had to do was shut my mouth
... and the earth took over. The silence was deafening as the earth stood still in its perpetual motion. As I can feel the breath and blood in my body so too did I feel the same substances of life reverberating through the snow covered landscape. I have never felt so at home (i know, cliché...) but I don't mean where one lives, but that home that is talked about when someone is dying and a loved one say's, "he is finally going home." That moment where the mind stops torturing itself with the constant onslaught of useless thoughts and conceptions and stillness can finally be maintained. Except of course, I wasn't dying, or at least not in the physical sense of the word. I tried to breath in the glory of that moment, but my lungs simply did not have the capacity to take it all in. Nervousness took over for a second as stuffed my skins in backpack and lifted the heal clips of my tele skis, and the silence stopped when they snapped onto the back of my boots. But those moments of seperateness fell away when I started flying - hanging on to every turn like it might be my last. No tracks ahead of me, one track behind me, no resistance: simply alive and utterly free.
When I took of my skis when I got to my car, I put the shackles back on, but it wasn't so bad, having touched the world that I knew existed but normally couldn't touch or feel. Until time stops again I will let those moments dangle in my memory. The search continues, my sails are at full mast, and headed full bore into eternity.
When I took of my skis when I got to my car, I put the shackles back on, but it wasn't so bad, having touched the world that I knew existed but normally couldn't touch or feel. Until time stops again I will let those moments dangle in my memory. The search continues, my sails are at full mast, and headed full bore into eternity.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
The Courage to be
Unless you are a realized being, pain is an inherent part of life. Quote on quote "bad things" will always happen to us. We will make "mistakes" and hurt ourselves and others. Who we want to be and who we are will drift apart. To put in short, like Hayden so eloquently, we will fall. If you kayak you must swim, if you ski you must crash, if you live you must fall. Pain is an inherent part of the human experience and no matter how hard we try we will never, ever be able to run from our problems. Yet the pain can be so great that we may not feel capable of facing them.
It is funny actually, what may feel like falling is in actually just realizing that we are already on the ground. It doesn't feel good, but that hard slap to the face deserves to be appreciated. I cheated on a girl once. When I finally realized what I did, what really struck me was not that what I did was a self-serving, selfish thing to do but instead the realization that I was selfish and self-serving.
Before we can start walking again, we have to stand up. But standing up can be so hard. Where am I supposed to find the courage to look myself in the eyes again and accept myself as something that I do not want to be? I'm with Nietzsche here, "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" but I would add, only if we have the courage to accept our situation, otherwise, the pain will kill you and it will be impossible to learn. So now I know when I fall there is no choice: stand up or die.
It is funny actually, what may feel like falling is in actually just realizing that we are already on the ground. It doesn't feel good, but that hard slap to the face deserves to be appreciated. I cheated on a girl once. When I finally realized what I did, what really struck me was not that what I did was a self-serving, selfish thing to do but instead the realization that I was selfish and self-serving.
Before we can start walking again, we have to stand up. But standing up can be so hard. Where am I supposed to find the courage to look myself in the eyes again and accept myself as something that I do not want to be? I'm with Nietzsche here, "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" but I would add, only if we have the courage to accept our situation, otherwise, the pain will kill you and it will be impossible to learn. So now I know when I fall there is no choice: stand up or die.
Monday, February 16, 2009
The Fall
Everyone falls in life and sometimes we question what we are doing with our lives. In my mind this is the worst place to be in life but this is when the most is learned. Everyone falls and with every fall there is a lesson to be learned. In my life I haven't really had to deal with that many problems but when I do deal with the demons in life the best way to get the picture through is to face the them full front. In the last few weeks I have really learned something about myself, I cannot live a meaningless life. It took me a will to understand that there is more to life than just the mob. People are only people and you are only you.....listen to yourself and don't get caught up in what is not true to you. There are demons that live with us everyday and we must learn to live with them. Most of the demons in our lives are only there because we create them, stay true to yourself.
Everyone falls but we get up. The fall is an important part of life and why we survive and I think that there is only one way....get back up!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Dreams
I dream of endless rock walls that are untouched. I dream of first ascents and new adventures....its that simple. I dream of a life of meaning and care.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
I don't know whose voice it was
Whose voice is it ringing me in my head, telling me to change ways? I should be only one person right? Why does it feel like there is someone talking to me? I guess that is an issue in itself but this is what it told me:
It asked me very clearly why am I not the very best I can be. And please reader, know I am not talking about physical and mental abilities or skills. But simply as the way I carry myself as a human being. "You are ridiculous" it scoffed, "absolutely ridiculous." "How can you think your a somebody? And why do you carry yourself like that? What makes you important at all? And why does that even matter to you?" And then the voice charged me like a team of wild horses:
"How dare you hold a perception of someone!
How dare you not love as eternally as humanly possible!
How dare you not live as best as humanly possible!
How dare you not be impeccable with your word and pursue honesty to its fullest extent!
How dare you think anything you have done in the past or plan to do with the future has any significance as to who you are as a human being!"
It is hard to say what it all comes down to, Why do I act the way I do instead of live the way I should? Is everything I do only a struggle to maintain a facade, created to fulfill my self-proclaimed, socially influenced projection of "who I am." Oh god! Now I am starting to wonder, if I am writing this well, I am going to send it to you right? So that means I am still just feeding my facade... Of course I have an excuse, I always do. Although I know what I am doing is wrong, it isn't hard to justify my actions and keep myself safe from the onslaught of self-reflection. I know I have no way to apologize to the world for everything I have done all of the years. All I can do is immediately and absolutely change my ways. But then I wonder how deep does the addiction run? Can I even do it? It seems simple really, all I have to do is STOP. But do I have the courage to let down the shield? And let myself stand naked...
...as nothing but a human being.
It asked me very clearly why am I not the very best I can be. And please reader, know I am not talking about physical and mental abilities or skills. But simply as the way I carry myself as a human being. "You are ridiculous" it scoffed, "absolutely ridiculous." "How can you think your a somebody? And why do you carry yourself like that? What makes you important at all? And why does that even matter to you?" And then the voice charged me like a team of wild horses:
"How dare you hold a perception of someone!
How dare you not love as eternally as humanly possible!
How dare you not live as best as humanly possible!
How dare you not be impeccable with your word and pursue honesty to its fullest extent!
How dare you think anything you have done in the past or plan to do with the future has any significance as to who you are as a human being!"
It is hard to say what it all comes down to, Why do I act the way I do instead of live the way I should? Is everything I do only a struggle to maintain a facade, created to fulfill my self-proclaimed, socially influenced projection of "who I am." Oh god! Now I am starting to wonder, if I am writing this well, I am going to send it to you right? So that means I am still just feeding my facade... Of course I have an excuse, I always do. Although I know what I am doing is wrong, it isn't hard to justify my actions and keep myself safe from the onslaught of self-reflection. I know I have no way to apologize to the world for everything I have done all of the years. All I can do is immediately and absolutely change my ways. But then I wonder how deep does the addiction run? Can I even do it? It seems simple really, all I have to do is STOP. But do I have the courage to let down the shield? And let myself stand naked...
...as nothing but a human being.
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